I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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