turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
