Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Well I just put wine in my tea
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
