You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
