The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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