I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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