Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
