The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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