So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
