she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
