omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up