I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
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I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
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I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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