There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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