I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
