I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
