Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
