"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
