if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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