I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
