New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
