I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
