You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
