There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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