And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
