I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
