She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
