Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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