Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
