i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
