Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
