so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
