I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
We smell like vodka and hangover
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