you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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