Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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