true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
