My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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