I'm so fucking centered right now
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts