my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
