I just threw up on my dentist
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize