i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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