Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
so much tequila, so little girl.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
