She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
