ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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