Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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