Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
