He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just gargled with NyQuil
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
