i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
