Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
