Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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