Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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