i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
