Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I'm really busy with my period
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