Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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