New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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