i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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