she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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