Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
