I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
