the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
