Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
