And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
What a dumb baby whore.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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