yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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